Teeth of the Hydra

You know how years are divided between A.D. and B.C. Nobody started selling calendars in 1 A.D. with new logos, that was a move decided years, centuries later. Well, civilization has reached a similar point for cinema, only it will be years from now before anyone will officially recognize such a line of demarcation.
This isn’t the before and after of sound and silent, nor of CGI versus analog effects, digital versus high-def, or Oprah versus Uma. Rather there is now a division in the way people perceive films compared to the way they used to perceive films.
In 2006 a cognizance exists concerning the tiniest details of movies for both people in the industry and civilians who make up the bulk of everyday audiences. Specifically websites track daily (not just weekend) grosses, films are reviewed the moment they are screened (even if the screening is private), visibility and advertising reflect the synergy of opening a single film on thousands of screens simultaneously worldwide. 2006 marks the year that a single film, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, blasted all previous opening weekend records based solely on its marketing.
POTC: DMC is a film so sloppy and haphazard that there’s no way it could become a box-office behemoth save for the marketing. Over 1000 POTC: DMC items have been trademarked, everything from cereal to bottled water to artificial eyelashes. Take a look at the top 100 grossing films in history and none of them sucks the abysmal wind of POTC: DMC. That being said, 2006 marks the year that the content of a film became truly irrelevant.
It doesn’t matter that The Devil Wears Prada displays no verisimilitude. It hardly counts that the horrific The Descent rates far below similar Lionsgate releases like Hostel, or even the B-level Saw. Who cares that You, Me and Dupree is so un-funny that it elicits weak smiles rather than laughs and guffaws. It’s not about what movies you like, it’s about the marketing of same. From now on critics should critique the cleanliness of theater bathrooms, efficiency of concession lines and availability of ergonomic parking spaces.
I’ve seen every film Johnny Depp has starred in save for Private Resort (1985) and The Astronaut’s Wife (1999), and I think the guy deserves the kudos as the Brando of the new millennium. In the sequels to Pirates of the Caribbean though, Depp is just jerking our collective wang.
In 1997 Depp directed and starred in the film The Brave (also with Brando). The Brave concerns an American Indian who agrees to star in a snuff film to help finance the dreams of his poverty-ridden family. The Brave was booed when it premiered at Cannes. It has never been released theatrically anywhere (but is available on DVD). Disney could release The Brave with the caption “a film directed by Captain Jack Sparrow” and that puppy would gross millions. Disney won’t of course because they just pink-slipped half their staff, and cut their annual slate of films by half. That’s the cinematic landscape that modern movie mavens must traverse.